The first week of manny.

Hi,
down below you will find a lot of spelling misstaks, but that is simply because I don't have word to help me this time.

My first week in Stockholm is done. It feels good to have done the first one. But, it also feels very har and strange not to be at home i norrland. But most of all, everything down here is just kind of stressed, which i thought i would be fine with, but it's taking a toll on me.

I'm trying not to run in the subway, but i do.. every day.

The job. it is hard, but mostly because it dosen't seem like they know what to do with me. It's a lot of responsiblity that i have to take myself, and that is fine. It's just that i would be nice to actually be given a task to do.

I have been going with some people on meetings and stuff like that, which i really appriciate because i just learn so much from it. I just really wish that i hade more stuff to do, more stuff that i could "get done".

I understand that i have to "learn" the product and that i can do that just from taking stuff down from our own system and just sit there and read and learn, but it gets boring when i have to do that all day...

Today was so slow... i think time stood still for like 4 hours. But something good about today. I talked loads to the people at work today, mostly the once around me and i got some interesting things from them. It helps that they are great people.

I have a hard time with getting in to the "cool gang" i kinda always do. I kinda feels like you have to pass some kind of "test" to hang out with them. I mean, they are nice, but yeah, i just feel stupid around them. i wish i didn't.

Hopfully this will all have gone away in a few weeks.. or months... And then, i will love it here! But i think that what has to change is me. How i see this, how i choose to see this and how i will try to learn from this rather then letting it defeat me. i can choose to make this something good, and i'm really am going to try.

The plesure of dreaming

I had a really weird dream yesterday. Some bits of it was so weird that I woke up and just shuck my head. Haha!

BUT! I also had the most amazing dream I’ve had in a long time. He was there, with all his fur and his brown eyes and his bad breath. I miss him so much. Bamse and me where on the bed, just lying there. I was waiting for Tobias to come so that we could go somewhere.

But in the exact moment when I saw Bamse on the bed, I went calm and I knew, for sure, that this was a dream. And I just didn’t care. I just felt blessed that I got to spend some more time with him. Because that is how it felt. He really was there and I could feel his fur against my hands and my face. It was a moment of serenity. O also knew that soon the alarm will go off and I have to let him again, but it was fine, because now I know I will see him again. I hope it’s very soon. <3

Issues

How often do I hate my body? Well, sadly it is every day. Every single day I think I look too fat or I'll hat my calves for being way too big, my hair is all wrong or that I don’t have enough make up to cover all does ugly blemishes on my face.

I hate feeling this way. And especially every day.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I do feel pretty, but they are so few in compression that I hardly note’s them.

I go to the gym, I try and do my best. I hate going there, but I still do it because I don’t want to look like a whale. Every time I eat something I think of how “bad” it is for my body, lately I have been trying not to think as much about it, but I still do it. Because if I “could” I would seriously eat sweets for dinner. Usually I’m at the gym about 3 days a week, and some say that they think that it’s amazing that I get myself to do that 3 times a week. BUT apparently, that is not enough, enough for who you ask? Well, for my body, it just won’t go down to the size I want. And what size is that you ask? … Well, actually, even when I was smaller than I am now, I was still calling myself fat, ugly, and sometimes even disgusting… The thing is, I’m never satisfied, and for what? I have no idea.

It is a marvellous time to be alive and there is so much to see and explore and here I am, worrying about if my boyfriend thinks I’m fat when I sit down next to him on the sofa because that’s when I get those lovely rings on my tummy. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

I have the most amazing boyfriend ever. He tells me every day that he thinks that I’m beautiful, smart, cute, and that he loves me now and forever, regardless of what is going to happen. He has never said anything “bad” about my body, ever. And still, I worry about what nickers I put on so that I don’t get a mark on my thighs or my tummy.

I need to start going to the gym for the right reasons, for me to feel good and have a healthy body, not to have a really skinny, tight and “right body” for the sake of what others may think of me.

I need to appreciate and believe my boyfriend when he tells me that I am, in fact, beautiful. 

BAMSE

It has been too long, and I know that the wait won’t be over, it never will, because I can never get him back.

Last Saturday I buried my dog. He has been such a big part my life, I could not have wished for a better companion all those years.

When I was too tired to do anything, he still made me do something, even if it was just a walk it was still something. He made me take breaks in my studding, which was the best thing ever.

Sometimes I blamed him for me being overweight. That I couldn’t go and workout because I had to walk him. I actually think he is the one that has kept me down. I had daily exercise, a great way to stay in shape.

He was absolutely no a dog that did everything I wanted, but he was always there when I needed him. And the times when I was really scared, he could hear it in my voice and came running.

I think that I sometimes was very unfair to him, mostly because I simply didn’t know how to be around him. I’m not a dog whisperer, but as the years went by, I think I learned a great deal of patience and I think that is the key to many things in life.

One thing that amazes me is how I can miss him licking my face even though I really hated it when he did, I mean, the smell was terrible. But I didn’t, and still don’t care. A kiss from him on my check was great.

He is my first guardian and I feel as he is still with me. He is buried at a lovely spot in my mom cabin. He used to lie there and watch over the water, the road and the people who came passing by.

Sleep tight my love. As I promised, I always came and got you. 

Never ending nightmare

I was in a long blood red dress, the embroidery on my sleeves was golden and I could see that I had been wearing this for quite some time. The hem on the bottom of my dress was rough and soiled. My hair was long, wavy and had fallen out of the elegant bun on to my solders. My feet pinched from the shoes that I had been wearing longer then usually.  

I was standing in a cabin, a small, round, warm cabin with a fire in the middle. I knew we couldn’t stay inside. Every second we waited we were closer to dying. The 10 people around me where talking about how we were going to escape up to the castle at the very top of the village. And then we heard them. The white walkers, they had a different look then the walkers in the series, they were a mixture of the dead pirates from pirates of the carbine and the white walkers from GOT.

We started running. No one counted me as a warrior, neither did I, but I knew how to handle a lighter sword. As I was running, the cabin behind us blew up whit a high explosion, I could feel the heat and the power in my back when it pushed me to the ground.

Everybody was screaming and I could see the white walkers throwing themselves over the people in the village.

He women behind me, clearly a warrior, ran across the uneven ground with a boy, not older than two, in her arms. Her dress was in the same blood red as mine, but was cut on the sides to make her more moveable. The castle suddenly changed to a small cottage and when I reached the porch I stood and waited for the warrior woman and the small boy. I had run passed a big wooden bar with a small table around it. I tried to catch my breath as I waited for the woman warrior. I could see my warm breath in the cold air as the white walkers approached the woman carrying the small child. The woman in the blood red dress put the child down on the little table in the bar. She ran across the road in to small shed. In this moment, I realise, the boy, the small boy sitting by the bar with blond hair, blue eyes and no understanding for anything that happened, he is my son.

The woman comes running back. She is holding a squared object in a small rope, and for some reason I know that this is highly explosive material. I start running towards the whit walkers, towards the warrior woman, towards my son.

The warrior woman starts swinging the explosive, when she finally lets it go in the air I still don’t have the boy in my reach. He is more than 15 meters away. The explosion throws me back and everything goes black.

I wake up whit a tug and I’m back in my bedroom. Tobias is sleeping, calmly. 

Almost every night I fall asleep with the feeling that something is going to go wrong, and usually I dream something horrible, but then when I finally wake up, I just remember it for a short second and what I’m left with is a dark substance I my ribcage. The feeling lingers on and when I fall asleep again everything just starts over.

Keys

I keep on wishing for things, I actually wish that time could move faster, so I can start doing things now and not later. It feels like I’m waiting, waiting for a bigger thing to happen. It’s not that I’m not satisfied with things as they are, I actually love my life at this moment, even when we are in the middle of a move, my dog passing away, me not losing weight, I still love my life at this moment. I’m not alone. He is my key, he is actually the reason I want time to go faster, he is the one I want to do everything with.

He is the one that makes me endure all the stuff around me. I could not have wished for a better person to stand next to me. And still… here I am, wishing for things to move faster. It’s just that I can’t wait to marry him, I want to carry his children, and I want to build my whole life around this person because I know that he is the strongest structure I could find in the entire world.

We haven’t even moved down to Stockholm yet and I’m already talking about the house we are going to buy when we get back to the north again.

It’s like I’m in a real hurry to the car and I’m looking for my car keys and I get stressed because I have somewhere I badly need to be, and in this stress, I realise, the keys are already in my hand. 

I have to slow it down. Not just for me, but for him as well. I know he want to have all these things to, but I think we have to appreciate the wonderful time that is now. I know we have to. Everything we do now is great, I’m happy every second that he is mine, and even now, almost 6 months in, I can’t believe that he want me to be his everything.

He told me that the first time he saw me, he knew that he would fall so badly for me and that he was hocked for life.

I’m happy that I didn’t meet him until now. If I had, I would never understood how great he actually is. He is the one. He as to be. And nothing has prepared me of the privileged of being his, I try to be at my very, very, very best, and I think that I fail at that all the time. When I tell him, he smiles and says that he only loves my more for every day, every smile I give him.

I’m the luckiest person in the world. Things might be hard in the future, but as long as I have him, I will be all right, because he is the one. The fairy tale  prince. 

The one and only

I miss him every day. Every single day. It’s more than 2 weeks ago now. He fell asleep in my arms, calm and heavy.

The vet told us we made the right choice, that 12 years, 6 months and 17 days is “the dream” when it comes to dogs and their age. I know that I had to give him up soon, that he was here on borrowed time. But as I have said before, all I wish for is a little bit more time with him.

The hard thing is that I still plan him in my day. Every day I think “oh, I have to hurry home now coz I been away for more than 6 hours...” and then I have to remind myself that I actually don’t need to. I don’t need to go home.

My dad told me that I would soon see the benefits of not having him around, that I would have more time to myself. Don’t get me wrong, I know that I don’t have to make time for him, but the thing is, I never did. He was just always there, and he was a part of my life that I loved. Of course there where days where it was hard to be able to give him all the time that he needed, but I tried to make up to it the day after, or the day before that if I knew that I would be late home on beforehand.

What I’m saying is, he wasn’t using my time. He gave me time. Time to think about what to do with my life on all does long walks. He was the one how gave me time to reflect over my schoolwork or future. He was also the one who made me do something to do, even if I was sick or sad.

Especially sad. Oh gosh, I have been sad so many times, and he has always been there.  Just by my side. And I would touch his soft ears and feel a little bit better.

He was loved, and still is, by so many people. There are pictures of him and so many people, even people who doesn’t like dogs, usually liked him or at least didn’t hate him.

He was the best first dog anyone could ask for. He will always be with me and I am so happy that he is free from all the pain he had in his joints and I’m happy that I got to have him for 7 years. I hope I get to see him sometime again. 

I love you Bamse. Sleep tight. And promise to come visit me in my dreams. 

A brand new start

It is incredible… I have no idea how I got this job, but I did! It was over 700 people who applied for it, and they picked me. What are the chances? It’s crazy.

I’m more than grateful for this opportunity, but I’m a bit sad that I have to leave my current job. I love it here. It has been a great time, and I’ve just started to get the hang of things, so that feels a bit sad.

The adventure to move to a new city will be great tough, and the adventure of moving in to a new type of work will be so much fun! It is always great to be able to learn something new. I have a million of mixed feelings, good and bad ones. But thank God they are mostly good ones. 

Adventure

I have no idea how this is going to turn out, but maybe a new adventure wouldn’t be so bad? One thing that is stopping me is that it kind of feels like I have had so much of an adventure lately and for once, it would be nice just to stand still and appreciate everything that is happening around me.

I love Piteå, it’s a lovely city and I would never ever had moved here if it wasn’t for love, but I can say that I have fallen in love with the city.

What I miss is my friends. I don’t miss Umeå, not at all, but my friends… Marion and Josefin, gosh, the lovely ladies. I wish I could see them every week, but sadly, that won’t happen again. Let’s just all move to Stockholm and just hang out all the time!!!! Ha!
a

m I a chicken if I don’t do the thing that everyone think I should? I talked to Linnéa about this – why should I care about what everyone else thinks? Why do we always care about how others see my life? It’s one of stupidest things ever - I know what’s good for me. So no, I’m not a chicken, have never been nor will I! 

Tangled thoughts

It kind of feels like I’m happier then I’m allowed, do you know what I mean? I keep sitting here, talking about how happy I am, when thousands, millions, billions aren’t. This feeling is amazing, and that’s why I want to tell everyone about it, but I guess that some people can see it as a way of me trying to hide everything bad and just put out the positive stuff, but really… the people who know men, knows that I’m VERY good at showing if something around me isn’t going well.

But one thing scares me, more than anything else. Yes, I feel incredibly happy, actually more then I thought I would be able too, but what if I “use up” all my happiness now? Maybe there is just an amount of happiness for every person in this world? And if that’s a fact, could you steal happiness from someone else..? and in that case… who am I stealing from? And when have I used up mine?

Even if all that is super weird and no true and just ridiculous – I’m still afraid. That something will go wrong. That my time of wounderfullness soon is over. Sometimes my mind can get caught in that thought and it just goes around my head, and I try to not see it. And this also gives me an understanding for moms, dads, friends, grandparents, teachers, you name it – who are afraid that they will lose someone who is close to them. They are so afraid that they get overprotective. Because I feel all that. I have my entire life. Especially for my mom, she has always been there, and that’s why it has been, and still is, a hard time to come to terms with the fact that she won’t be forever. And God forbid that she would go sooner then she has too.

But now I can’t stop thinking about what would happen if anything happen to Tobias. He is my whole world right now. And even how sad that might sound to some of you, it’s the best feeling I have ever had. He is my whole world and I want him to be.

It is scary, lovely, antagonizing, frustrating, amazing but I could not wish for a better person to fall in love with.

The mysteries of my brain

The way he makes me feel is way better than I ever felt before. I have a hard time expressing how I feel about him. Sometimes he is just ten times better than me at doing that.

One thing that I love about him is that he is just really good at telling me how he feels, and he is always able to look at me and detect if something is wrong with me. Which for me is really hard sense I always been the one who is good at that. Sometimes he knows that somethings is wrong even before I do myself.

Yesterday I tried to explain how my brain works. Sense I sometimes just blurt out stuff that has no connection to anything that we have been talking about or doing. I have a hard time reading, watching TV, movies or anything else because my brain always makes connection to words, colours, names, hair styles, accents, gestures, well, yes, everything! And in the middle of a intense conversation I can all of a sudden just blurt out “ohh! Look at that cute cat over there”. But just because I do that, doesn’t that I’m not listening, it’s just that way my brain works.

I’m so happy that he understood what I meant, that he could understand the way my brain is working, or should I say not working… But it’s also because of this I have a hard time concentrating on just one thing, but this is also a great way for me to remember stuff, coz I make connections to everything. All the time.

I have never before been asked to explain the way my head thinks and acts in different situations. It was hard, but as always with Tobias - He makes me a better person and he makes me see things in a different light or angle. And I love him for it. 

I just red my old posts. How I felt so lost, and I remember the feeling inside of me, the part of that couldn’t stay in the same place anymore. I wanted more, I wanted something else, and I thought that I knew what I wanted, but now I know that I did not have a clue. I know now that I could never have known before it happened.

I just want this. I want the things I have now. I want my life. At the moment, this moment. I’m happier in so many aspects of my life that I can’t remember a time when I’ve ever felt this happy.

I love my life. And that is amazing. 

How did I ever get so lucky?

How did I ever get so lucky? I can’t understand what I did to ever deserve as much as I got. There is more to be thankful for then I ever could imagine.

I have a lovely dog, the best one there is actually, and he is happy and healthy at the age of 12. He is amazing.

I had a rough fall, a really bad one, one where I didn’t know how I got myself in to, and I had no clue how I would get myself out of it either. It took such a long time and it didn’t feel like I accomplished anything. That everything that I tried to do didn’t mean anything and that whatever I did, everybody else was better than me.

And then, there he was, on a stupid app. I couldn’t believe it, I don’t think I do even now. I just told him that he had the look of the nicest person in the world, and I didn’t know how right I was. My happiness had started there and then, how wonderful.

I fell I love, completely and utterly in love. I got everything I could ever wish for and more. I have always been a beliver in love, and I know that some (a lot) of people think that it’s icky and that it’s, well, childish and naïve. But frankly… I could not care less. I love him.

And then, the job, I got the job – listen to me I.GOT.THE.JOB. The job I waited for, the job I was searching for! It’s so much fun and I like that it makes me want to wake up and go to work, which should be something everybody should feel when the go to work, but sadly, maybe rarely feel.

And as always, I still have the most perfect and crazy family there is. Without them I would be nothing.