The plesure of dreaming

I had a really weird dream yesterday. Some bits of it was so weird that I woke up and just shuck my head. Haha!

BUT! I also had the most amazing dream I’ve had in a long time. He was there, with all his fur and his brown eyes and his bad breath. I miss him so much. Bamse and me where on the bed, just lying there. I was waiting for Tobias to come so that we could go somewhere.

But in the exact moment when I saw Bamse on the bed, I went calm and I knew, for sure, that this was a dream. And I just didn’t care. I just felt blessed that I got to spend some more time with him. Because that is how it felt. He really was there and I could feel his fur against my hands and my face. It was a moment of serenity. O also knew that soon the alarm will go off and I have to let him again, but it was fine, because now I know I will see him again. I hope it’s very soon. <3

Issues

How often do I hate my body? Well, sadly it is every day. Every single day I think I look too fat or I'll hat my calves for being way too big, my hair is all wrong or that I don’t have enough make up to cover all does ugly blemishes on my face.

I hate feeling this way. And especially every day.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I do feel pretty, but they are so few in compression that I hardly note’s them.

I go to the gym, I try and do my best. I hate going there, but I still do it because I don’t want to look like a whale. Every time I eat something I think of how “bad” it is for my body, lately I have been trying not to think as much about it, but I still do it. Because if I “could” I would seriously eat sweets for dinner. Usually I’m at the gym about 3 days a week, and some say that they think that it’s amazing that I get myself to do that 3 times a week. BUT apparently, that is not enough, enough for who you ask? Well, for my body, it just won’t go down to the size I want. And what size is that you ask? … Well, actually, even when I was smaller than I am now, I was still calling myself fat, ugly, and sometimes even disgusting… The thing is, I’m never satisfied, and for what? I have no idea.

It is a marvellous time to be alive and there is so much to see and explore and here I am, worrying about if my boyfriend thinks I’m fat when I sit down next to him on the sofa because that’s when I get those lovely rings on my tummy. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

I have the most amazing boyfriend ever. He tells me every day that he thinks that I’m beautiful, smart, cute, and that he loves me now and forever, regardless of what is going to happen. He has never said anything “bad” about my body, ever. And still, I worry about what nickers I put on so that I don’t get a mark on my thighs or my tummy.

I need to start going to the gym for the right reasons, for me to feel good and have a healthy body, not to have a really skinny, tight and “right body” for the sake of what others may think of me.

I need to appreciate and believe my boyfriend when he tells me that I am, in fact, beautiful. 

BAMSE

It has been too long, and I know that the wait won’t be over, it never will, because I can never get him back.

Last Saturday I buried my dog. He has been such a big part my life, I could not have wished for a better companion all those years.

When I was too tired to do anything, he still made me do something, even if it was just a walk it was still something. He made me take breaks in my studding, which was the best thing ever.

Sometimes I blamed him for me being overweight. That I couldn’t go and workout because I had to walk him. I actually think he is the one that has kept me down. I had daily exercise, a great way to stay in shape.

He was absolutely no a dog that did everything I wanted, but he was always there when I needed him. And the times when I was really scared, he could hear it in my voice and came running.

I think that I sometimes was very unfair to him, mostly because I simply didn’t know how to be around him. I’m not a dog whisperer, but as the years went by, I think I learned a great deal of patience and I think that is the key to many things in life.

One thing that amazes me is how I can miss him licking my face even though I really hated it when he did, I mean, the smell was terrible. But I didn’t, and still don’t care. A kiss from him on my check was great.

He is my first guardian and I feel as he is still with me. He is buried at a lovely spot in my mom cabin. He used to lie there and watch over the water, the road and the people who came passing by.

Sleep tight my love. As I promised, I always came and got you.