It kind of
feels like I’m happier then I’m allowed, do you know what I mean? I keep
sitting here, talking about how happy I am, when thousands, millions, billions aren’t.
This feeling is amazing, and that’s why I want to tell everyone about it, but I
guess that some people can see it as a way of me trying to hide everything bad
and just put out the positive stuff, but really… the people who know men, knows
that I’m VERY good at showing if something around me isn’t going well.
But one
thing scares me, more than anything else. Yes, I feel incredibly happy,
actually more then I thought I would be able too, but what if I “use up” all my
happiness now? Maybe there is just an amount of happiness for every person in
this world? And if that’s a fact, could you steal happiness from someone
else..? and in that case… who am I stealing from? And when have I used up mine?
Even if all
that is super weird and no true and just ridiculous – I’m still afraid. That
something will go wrong. That my time of wounderfullness soon is over.
Sometimes my mind can get caught in that thought and it just goes around my
head, and I try to not see it. And this also gives me an understanding for
moms, dads, friends, grandparents, teachers, you name it – who are afraid that
they will lose someone who is close to them. They are so afraid that they get overprotective.
Because I feel all that. I have my entire life. Especially for my mom, she has
always been there, and that’s why it has been, and still is, a hard time to
come to terms with the fact that she won’t be forever. And God forbid that she
would go sooner then she has too.
But now I can’t
stop thinking about what would happen if anything happen to Tobias. He is my
whole world right now. And even how sad that might sound to some of you, it’s
the best feeling I have ever had. He is my whole world and I want him to be.
It is
scary, lovely, antagonizing, frustrating, amazing but I could not wish for a
better person to fall in love with.
