Tangled thoughts

It kind of feels like I’m happier then I’m allowed, do you know what I mean? I keep sitting here, talking about how happy I am, when thousands, millions, billions aren’t. This feeling is amazing, and that’s why I want to tell everyone about it, but I guess that some people can see it as a way of me trying to hide everything bad and just put out the positive stuff, but really… the people who know men, knows that I’m VERY good at showing if something around me isn’t going well.

But one thing scares me, more than anything else. Yes, I feel incredibly happy, actually more then I thought I would be able too, but what if I “use up” all my happiness now? Maybe there is just an amount of happiness for every person in this world? And if that’s a fact, could you steal happiness from someone else..? and in that case… who am I stealing from? And when have I used up mine?

Even if all that is super weird and no true and just ridiculous – I’m still afraid. That something will go wrong. That my time of wounderfullness soon is over. Sometimes my mind can get caught in that thought and it just goes around my head, and I try to not see it. And this also gives me an understanding for moms, dads, friends, grandparents, teachers, you name it – who are afraid that they will lose someone who is close to them. They are so afraid that they get overprotective. Because I feel all that. I have my entire life. Especially for my mom, she has always been there, and that’s why it has been, and still is, a hard time to come to terms with the fact that she won’t be forever. And God forbid that she would go sooner then she has too.

But now I can’t stop thinking about what would happen if anything happen to Tobias. He is my whole world right now. And even how sad that might sound to some of you, it’s the best feeling I have ever had. He is my whole world and I want him to be.

It is scary, lovely, antagonizing, frustrating, amazing but I could not wish for a better person to fall in love with.