Today is a very special day

Two years ago I was in Tobias apartment in Piteå and we were laying on the couch. We were laughing, I can’t remember about what, but he suddenly stopped laughing and said “soo, the thing your mother said the other day…” (she had bluntly asked Tobias over dinner where our dates where going, and of course, we had not discussed that yet) I just answered him with “oh, I know, I’m sorry about that, you don’t need to feel pressured” he replied with a big grin on his face and said “I’m not pressured, I would like if you were mine”.

My stomach flipped. I did not think that he would say something like that. It felt amazing, and I of course told I’m that I would be more than happy to be his. I leaned in over him, kissed him and said “I’m your girlfriend now”. We both chuckled and I have been happy to be in his arms ever since.

 

I’m soon to be married.

The year I turned 23 was a really crazy year for me. I broke up with my partner of almost 6 years. We had to divide everything between us, not just our hearts, but also our life’s. To break up with someone that you spent that much of you adult life with is a very hard thing to do, especially when you still love that person and still know that you need to break their heart in order to keep yours true to yourself.

I started a new life for myself where I needed to figure out who I was without anyone else. Even though I was the one who had decided that I wanted to be just me, I was so scared that I made the wrong choice. Luckily today, both me and my ex are very happy that we broke up. She is a amazing person and I love her for what she taught me about life and about myself and I’m so happy for her, her wife and their beautiful daughter.

My year of chaos passed and I had hit rock bottom. No job, no school, no apartment, no money and not a clue on where I wanted to be. I felt lost in more than one way. The one thing that saved me from going mad at that moment was my dog. Bamse made me be something, at least I needed to take care of him and that helped me to take care of myself.

When I saw him on Tinder I didn’t think more of it than that. He was really cute and his summary just stated that he was really nice and that he loved the TV show “På spåret”. When we matched I wrote to him “ you look like the nicest person in the world” and where off.

We meet the following Sunday, he came to Skellefteå and we had a coffee at Espresso house, after that we walked a short walk in the cold weather in early December. We came inside and he just flung himself on to the sofa, feeling right at home. I thought to myself “wow, he feels comfortable, I wonder if he just wants to be friends”. I sat down next to him. I can’t remember what we talked about, I just remember when he sat up, leaned in, kissed me, leaned back and said “I think I solved this nicely” and laughed.

After that I was hooked.

Here I am, just 2 years later. Still madly in love with that guy who loves silly TV-shows and he has asked me to marry him. I’m happier than I ever thought that I would be allowed to be. I try to use my happiness to bring happiness to others, and I hope that it works from time to time.

In 7 months, I will be Linnéa Filipsson, even writhing that feels weird and awesome at the same time. I’m so excited to have and to hold him for the rest of my life.

As long as I have him I have everything.

 

 

Deprived of not knowing more

Sometimes I can feel like I have been deprived the opportunity and the pleasure to know my grandparents better.

The only grandparent I have left is my grandad on my mother’s side. He has also been the one who has had the least impact on my life. My younger cousin ones described him as a bit of a “troll” haha, which is pretty funny when you think about it, because it’s kind of an accurate description of him.

My grandma died very young, hence I was also very young. I was too young to get to know my grandma more than just as grandma, she was never Else-Marie to me, she was just grandma, and I feel so deprived of not knowing more about her. I think I was 12 when she passed away.

I had a really close connection to my grandmother on my dad’s side. She had to children, my dad and my uncle, but she always wanted a girl. So when I was her first grandchild, and a girl, and I stayed the only grandchild who was a girl, she just put more effort in to me, and I of course in to her. I loved being around her. I spent a lot of my younger years at my grandparents’ house in Malå. My granddad used to sleep in another room (also called my room) and I would sleep with my grandma. It was a great time. I loved being there. My grandma died when I was 18, on the same day as Kristina graduated from Umeå. When I found out that she was sick, I was 15, I thought that she would live to see my children grow up, but she never got the chance, and I think she died long before she took her last breath, the Alzheimer took her piece by piece until northing was left.

When my grandma died, I think my granddad died to. After that he was never the same. A few years after my grandma died he still did things, like going fishing and just biking to some soccer game or just down town to have a coffee. I didn’t really understand how lonely he was in the beginning. Even though he is the grandparent that I have known the most in my adult life, I don’t think that I ever got to know the person who was my happy granddad, at least not in my grownup life. Still, he is the one grandparent that I have had de most contact with, and the one that I have had a grown up relationship to. He was a kind person who thought that he didn’t matter to him. I tried to tell him at least a million times that he was a big part of my life and that I loved him, but I still think I said that last part to little, that I loved him. I should have told him more often, every time that I saw him, talked to him on the phone. I hope he knew, and I hope he still knows, that I loved to talk to him when I lived in Umeå. I loved to visit him when I was in Skellefteå, and how said I was when I he didn’t let me come in through his door.

Because all of this, I always try to tell Tobias how utterly lucky he is to have 3 of his grandparents left. That he should cherries that and visit them often. I like visiting his grandparents too, I try to make them as my own sometimes, because they are lovely people, all of them. I’m sad that I never meet Tobias granddad sense they had such a strong connection, and I think that Tobias granddad and grandma was one of the happies couples in this world and when she talks about how happy they where I have a hard time holding back the tears, because they were as happy as we are, and I can’t imagined how sad she must feel sometimes going through life without him by her side. I hope that we get to be as happy as they were in their life.

I have so much to be happy for

I have so much to be happy for. Regardless of what I might think sometimes, that life can be hard and I don’t have everything I would like, I’m still so utterly grateful for all the things that I do have in my life. Sometimes I just try to think about all the things that make me happy and focus on all the things that I love about my life.

As everybody else, I have had some ruff patches in my life, but apparently nothing I could not handle. I have always had support from my friends and my family and sometimes I thought that I was never going to get out of the ruff patch, but then, all of a sudden, something amazing would happen and I could carry on.

I feel as though I have to mention on particular thing that has been a great asset for me, and a great friend when I needed it the most. Bamse was amazing. Even if I there were times when I was soooo mad at him I still loved him so much. He was the best thing that I had in my life many times. He was always there to comfort me in the ruff patches and he was something that I always needed to do, he made me stay sharp and healthy. I’m so lucky to have had a friend like him in my life <3

I do believe that it is good to always reach for something more. I don’t think that you should “settle” for thing, I think what has driven me in to being the person that I am is that I always wanted more. But I think that we sometimes forget that we have accomplished so many great things already and we forget to be thankful for them. I’m going to try and be more happy and more satisfied. 

Dreams that I wish where already true.

Hi and hello again.

Life is just, awesome really. I have had a bit of a “hard” time these last weeks, hard in that sense that I don’t always feel that I’m doing something good. I hate feeling like I’m “no use”, it’s one of the worst things ever. I just want to feel that I’m doing something that can benefit someone else.

I talked to Tobias yesterday about that the next job that I take in the future has to be my brave step, I need to do the brave thing and do what it is that I really want to do. I love to work in IT and help organizations and companies with their problems and such, but what I really want to do in the future is to help people who are less fortunate then myself.

One thing tough… I thought about what I have done so far in my dream to actually help others. Sadly the list is very short. Therefore I did something this week that I thought of doing for a long time, I did something as simple as signing up for ActionAid and becoming a donor for a little girl I Zimbabwe. It’s not much, but it’s something and I figured that I needed to start somewhere. I need to take bigger steps in the future but this is something that is good to start at.

I need to figure out how I can take this next step and maybe try to make connections to people who are already helping others. Helping others for me can include a lot of things and I just hope that I can make a big change for a lot of people someday, more than just sending money, I hope that I someday have the possibility to help people to feel that their life’s in some way is a bit better. 

I hope that I can be that person someday not too far from now. 

Every bit so fantastic

It way too long between the times I go on blogger… and so much has happened sense April. Not only have we moved back to the northern part of Sweden, me and Tobias got engaged this May! It’s lovely and I’m sooo happy that I can’t even explain it. He really is the best thing that ever happened to me and I could not be happier than I am.

We moved back to Piteå from Stockholm and it feels great. I got a new job at Sogeti in Luleå and I like it already and I think that’s amazing. Last week I started riding again, it is sooo much fun and I love being back in the saddled again.

For now we still live at Tobias mom and her husband, but I think that it’s alright for now. We live there for free and it’s really easy, but we need a place of our own. We are thinking about building a new house, but I’m just worried for how expensive it will be and stuff like that, and it will take a long time before the house is there… maybe more than a year!!!

We have already set at data for our wedding. I’m so grateful that I get to marry the man of my dreams. Or actually, a man I did not know existed. I have never felt as happy as I am right now. He always know what to say, he is always there for me and every day I can feel and see how much he loves me. If everybody felt like I do I strongly believe that the world would be a much nicer place to live in. 

Time flies by

Last time I was on blogger was such a long time ago that I didn’t even remember my login credentials. Eventually my brain found it tucked in the back and I was able to logon. This time I wrote it down so that I won’t forget it…

Anyhow – it has been more than a week now. It’s been way more than that. I lived here sense September and now it’s almost may. It is crazy. Time just flies by! For example, this week has felt as the longest ever, but at the same time I woke up this morning believing it was Wednesday but it’s actually Friday.

My 8 months in Stockholm has been everything else then easy. It’s a new city and a lot of the things that I’m used to is way different here. I had a hard time adjusting to life here, but I think that both me and Tobias has done a great job. We have accomplished so much here. Not just for work but in our relationship as well. Every day it feels like we are getting closer to one another.

My mother in law sad something really nice to me yesterday. She asked for how long me and Tobias had been together now and I sad that it’s almost 1 and half year. And she answered with “what? It feels like you have been together for 5”. And that is how it feels for us to. Not in a way that we are “used” to each other, more in a – we are so close to each other that being apart just feels weird kinda stat. And that my friends IS amazing.

Every now and then I ask myself if my life is “good” and with good I mean if I do things in my life that feels worth doing. I have had times where I have just been standing in a corner trying to run but nobody has given me something to run on so I tried to give it to myself and I have ended up in another corner because it is really hard to build roads. I guess that this all sound veeeery fluffy and hard to understand but that is how it felt. But now, I have been given a place where I can run.

I’m happy that I got a job in Stockholm. It has been and still is great and I’m not going to lie, I have had some hard times here and I’m sure that I’m going to have more, because that’s just how life is, and should be I think. If there are no challenges, what will you then do? Just lie there? At least that not my style.  

But why did I take the job in Stockholm? Well, I did it because I knew that it would give me a better future, it’s a great start to have work at this big of a company and I know that it is something that I can look back on and think of as an achievement in my life, which is pretty neat.

In other words: yes, I’m doing something that is good. I’m doing something that is good for me and I really like that I am. I’m taking responsibility for my, Tobias and my family’s future and that is great. BUT. I’m longing for something more. I want to be able to help others, I want to do something that brings others joy and happiness. I hope that in a near future I will be able to contribute to something that is bigger than just me and the people around me. Something so big that I feel that I have contribute to a better future for all of us. I know that it is to dream big, but I have had a great mom, and I have a great boyfriend, that tells me that everything that I dream of, I can do if I just want it badly enough.