Never ending nightmare

I was in a long blood red dress, the embroidery on my sleeves was golden and I could see that I had been wearing this for quite some time. The hem on the bottom of my dress was rough and soiled. My hair was long, wavy and had fallen out of the elegant bun on to my solders. My feet pinched from the shoes that I had been wearing longer then usually.  

I was standing in a cabin, a small, round, warm cabin with a fire in the middle. I knew we couldn’t stay inside. Every second we waited we were closer to dying. The 10 people around me where talking about how we were going to escape up to the castle at the very top of the village. And then we heard them. The white walkers, they had a different look then the walkers in the series, they were a mixture of the dead pirates from pirates of the carbine and the white walkers from GOT.

We started running. No one counted me as a warrior, neither did I, but I knew how to handle a lighter sword. As I was running, the cabin behind us blew up whit a high explosion, I could feel the heat and the power in my back when it pushed me to the ground.

Everybody was screaming and I could see the white walkers throwing themselves over the people in the village.

He women behind me, clearly a warrior, ran across the uneven ground with a boy, not older than two, in her arms. Her dress was in the same blood red as mine, but was cut on the sides to make her more moveable. The castle suddenly changed to a small cottage and when I reached the porch I stood and waited for the warrior woman and the small boy. I had run passed a big wooden bar with a small table around it. I tried to catch my breath as I waited for the woman warrior. I could see my warm breath in the cold air as the white walkers approached the woman carrying the small child. The woman in the blood red dress put the child down on the little table in the bar. She ran across the road in to small shed. In this moment, I realise, the boy, the small boy sitting by the bar with blond hair, blue eyes and no understanding for anything that happened, he is my son.

The woman comes running back. She is holding a squared object in a small rope, and for some reason I know that this is highly explosive material. I start running towards the whit walkers, towards the warrior woman, towards my son.

The warrior woman starts swinging the explosive, when she finally lets it go in the air I still don’t have the boy in my reach. He is more than 15 meters away. The explosion throws me back and everything goes black.

I wake up whit a tug and I’m back in my bedroom. Tobias is sleeping, calmly. 

Almost every night I fall asleep with the feeling that something is going to go wrong, and usually I dream something horrible, but then when I finally wake up, I just remember it for a short second and what I’m left with is a dark substance I my ribcage. The feeling lingers on and when I fall asleep again everything just starts over.

Keys

I keep on wishing for things, I actually wish that time could move faster, so I can start doing things now and not later. It feels like I’m waiting, waiting for a bigger thing to happen. It’s not that I’m not satisfied with things as they are, I actually love my life at this moment, even when we are in the middle of a move, my dog passing away, me not losing weight, I still love my life at this moment. I’m not alone. He is my key, he is actually the reason I want time to go faster, he is the one I want to do everything with.

He is the one that makes me endure all the stuff around me. I could not have wished for a better person to stand next to me. And still… here I am, wishing for things to move faster. It’s just that I can’t wait to marry him, I want to carry his children, and I want to build my whole life around this person because I know that he is the strongest structure I could find in the entire world.

We haven’t even moved down to Stockholm yet and I’m already talking about the house we are going to buy when we get back to the north again.

It’s like I’m in a real hurry to the car and I’m looking for my car keys and I get stressed because I have somewhere I badly need to be, and in this stress, I realise, the keys are already in my hand. 

I have to slow it down. Not just for me, but for him as well. I know he want to have all these things to, but I think we have to appreciate the wonderful time that is now. I know we have to. Everything we do now is great, I’m happy every second that he is mine, and even now, almost 6 months in, I can’t believe that he want me to be his everything.

He told me that the first time he saw me, he knew that he would fall so badly for me and that he was hocked for life.

I’m happy that I didn’t meet him until now. If I had, I would never understood how great he actually is. He is the one. He as to be. And nothing has prepared me of the privileged of being his, I try to be at my very, very, very best, and I think that I fail at that all the time. When I tell him, he smiles and says that he only loves my more for every day, every smile I give him.

I’m the luckiest person in the world. Things might be hard in the future, but as long as I have him, I will be all right, because he is the one. The fairy tale  prince. 

The one and only

I miss him every day. Every single day. It’s more than 2 weeks ago now. He fell asleep in my arms, calm and heavy.

The vet told us we made the right choice, that 12 years, 6 months and 17 days is “the dream” when it comes to dogs and their age. I know that I had to give him up soon, that he was here on borrowed time. But as I have said before, all I wish for is a little bit more time with him.

The hard thing is that I still plan him in my day. Every day I think “oh, I have to hurry home now coz I been away for more than 6 hours...” and then I have to remind myself that I actually don’t need to. I don’t need to go home.

My dad told me that I would soon see the benefits of not having him around, that I would have more time to myself. Don’t get me wrong, I know that I don’t have to make time for him, but the thing is, I never did. He was just always there, and he was a part of my life that I loved. Of course there where days where it was hard to be able to give him all the time that he needed, but I tried to make up to it the day after, or the day before that if I knew that I would be late home on beforehand.

What I’m saying is, he wasn’t using my time. He gave me time. Time to think about what to do with my life on all does long walks. He was the one how gave me time to reflect over my schoolwork or future. He was also the one who made me do something to do, even if I was sick or sad.

Especially sad. Oh gosh, I have been sad so many times, and he has always been there.  Just by my side. And I would touch his soft ears and feel a little bit better.

He was loved, and still is, by so many people. There are pictures of him and so many people, even people who doesn’t like dogs, usually liked him or at least didn’t hate him.

He was the best first dog anyone could ask for. He will always be with me and I am so happy that he is free from all the pain he had in his joints and I’m happy that I got to have him for 7 years. I hope I get to see him sometime again. 

I love you Bamse. Sleep tight. And promise to come visit me in my dreams.